Why do we communicate poorly when we are upset?
The call came, that appointment you have been waiting on for weeks. And you missed it.
The engine just got dramatically worse and it’s going to be at least $2,000 to fix.
School is out, but your kid was not responsible enough. Now it’s summer school, with your help, of course.
What’s that smell? Oh, the dog. He is sick…well. He got sick… On your favorite movie-watching blanket, and it’s supposed to be family movie night. But your spouse isn’t gonna make it because a problem at work will keep them late again….And then they say…”We need to talk.”
That’s it!
You can’t take it anymore. So you communicated poorly.
“YEAH, WE NEED TO TALK!” and you lay into them about the appointment, the engine, “your kids” grades, and the dog vomit. They hang up on you.
Aaaannnddd eeennnnd scccceeeennne.
What’s next? You’re uupset.
Who is gonna get the dragon fire breath from you?
The kids?
The spouse through an angry text about how they are always letting you down. “I THOUGHT WE WERE A TEAM!”
The dog, for his tendency to eat things he should not eat. “WHY DID WE EVER EVEN GET YOU!”
Prolly the dog vomit. Priorities.
Or the nothing response: Which also leads to poor communication.
We are usually afraid we will communicate the wrong thing, in the wrong way, to the wrong person and hurt someone who did not deserve it. So we say nothing. But in saying nothing, we say everything.
We usually do four things, in no particular order, when we communicate poorly.
- Our body language and tone change:
Ever heard someone say, “It’s like walking around on eggshells in here!”
What are they responding to? You, friend, have lost your nuance to stress.
“What’s wrong?” your teenage son asks. “Nothing,” you say. But he says “okay” and goes downstairs…away from you. He’s probably not going to join you for movie night either now. Your stare, irritated tone, folded arms, broken eye contact, or tendency to grab your phone communicate that you are stressed and upset. And that makes people around you shut up, shut down, and go away. And you are in the room, surrounded but oh so lonely as the family watches the movie and you scroll.
- “What did you say?”
Communication is talking and listening. Are you staring at your phone? Are you putting in your earbuds (only one, of course) and listening to a show instead of being present? A missionary came to our church recently and shared a story of how they were with their spouse and made a suggestion for a meal at the grocery store, only for the spouse to say to them, “Are you kidding me?” I literally just said that! Are you even listening to me?”
When you are stressed, do the opposite of what you are tempted to do. Don’t reach for distraction. Reach for intention. Intentionally slow down. Don’t pull away and spin out of the parking lot alone in your car leaving your family behind. Slow your breathing, slow your stimulation. To quote Dwayne The Rock Johnson, “Slow your roll Jabroni!”
- “I don’t care right now!”
Have you ever said that to someone when stressed? When we are preoccupied with stress, we lack empathy for those we love. In fact empathy is often replaced with meanness or criticism and sarcasm leading to inevitable conflict with loved ones and poor communication.
- “No! you said!”
When we are upset, we interpret words incorrectly. We half-listen, so we half-respond accurately every time. When someone is overstimulated, an innocent comment gets blown out of proportion with, “What did you mean by that?”
Classic stressed out response to a loved one or stranger in the grocery store. Your ability to read people’s intentions is never at its zenith when you are stressed. Instead, it’s actually diminished. And because of that, you jump to conclusions quickly. Like the comic book character Judge Dread, you have already decided what they said and did. And you alone can pronounce guilt or innocence. Stress makes you believe that this is a way of survival and is necessary at this moment. You apologize later…again…maybe.
What’s a real solution to our upset feelings and poor commuunication?
Recognize that perfect people are like unicorns. They are imaginary, and they do not exist.
You cannot be a perfect person.
You cannot keep your whole body in check at all times. James 3:2 even says: “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.”
Don’t give in to the desire to not apologize, not admit your faults, and blame everyone around you for your stress all the time.
Self-awareness is key:
Decompress, recognize your actions affect others then go find your family.
It’s ok to give yourself some space, but don’t just go off in a bedroom and never come out again. This sort of thing creates codependency and a sense of fear within your family.
“Is mom alright?… I dunno.”
“Is dad ok? Should we check on him? I dunno…You go…No I don’t want to …you go in there…”
Paul had a problem. Some loving Christian women were communicating poorly. Philippians 4:2-3 tells us the story.2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life.
Eventually Paul laid it out in chapter 4:5- 7
5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Instead, find your family, take a moment, pray, breathe, and reassure them that you just need a moment.
This tells your family they are not the problem.
But what if they ARE the problem?
Fair enough.
Pray through your feelings, and then calmly discuss a time and place to talk about what led to the stress. Bedtimes can be good for little kids at this moment, so they are engaged but understanding. Remember tone is key. Hikes and drives, especially with young kinetic learners, are better times to talk about stressful subjects.
It’s healthy to cry with your family:
prayer and tears are an antidote to poor communication. A friend of mine actually says, “Tears are prayers.” Is he right? Most people feel better when they let it go through prayer and tears, but help those who love you know it’s healthy to cry and healthy to pray. This may elicit family prayer time together for you. Which brings you together emotionally and spiritually.